Looking Back...

It's late Feb. again. My mind is floating back to 2 years ago. Dates flash on a calender and my mind is back in that hospital room as if traveling on a time machine. I wonder, will I always be this way this time of year. Or will the years to come dim my memory.

The feeling come back too. The loneliness, the concern, the relief, the fear, the guilt.

Guilt indeed. Guilt over many things.

Guilt over not being able to care for my existing children.

Guilt over watching my husband work all day only to come home at night and keep going to get the kids ready for the next day. All while being sick himself.

Guilt over being relieved that I could finally rest.

Guilt over not being happy about this baby in the very beginning.

You don't hear that much from woman. Infertility carries so much pain. How could I not be happy about another baby? But I'll tell you it was very real. In my heart I knew truth. God is the giver of life. We have a small part in it, but ultimately, it's all Him.

Yet my mind was still filled with the strange thoughts that come with a surprise baby. I was overwhelmed with 4...how could I add another to the mix. I remember our pastor preached a sermon on Mary and Martha right after I found out...I sat there praying and asking God how could I be more like Mary when He kept giving me more to do. And what if... what if this child is here to replace one we may loose. It was a paralyzing thought, but one my husband and I both had. An untrue thought. Truth be told God could still take one or more of our children away. Only He know the number of their days.

Then there was the dread of having to tell people. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want my friends or acquaintances, who struggle to have children, to find out. And having to listen to people's "funny" comments that weren't funny, just thoughtless. Even family could be so unkind. They sometimes expressed exactly what I was feeling, but because it came from them it made me defensive and protective of the sweet new life God had given us. Which then made me feel like I should be in a padded room somewhere.

Of coarse we warmed up to the idea eventually. It was never that I was ungrateful or angry, just uncertain of how it was going to all work out. And even through the uncertainty, we always wanted her. She was never unloved. She was ours. She was a gift to our family.

My years of having children are over...Lord willing. And looking back I learned a great many lessons. We ultimately have very little "control" over when or how we have our children. God allows us to think we do but honestly, He gives us what He wants us to have. What will grow us into the families He want us to be. Most times that family doesn't look anything like we thought it would. But that is the beauty of it... He knows us better than we know ourselves.

I cannot imagine my life without any one of my children. Each one has brought something different to our family. And just when I think I love them all I can...there's more.

I will always {until I see Him face to face and can ask} marvel at why God choose this for me.

But I'm thankful he did.

Humbled by the task.

Always making mistakes and learning.

Continually giving my very real fears to the Lord.

Occasionally looking back to remember.

But mostly looking ahead to what's next.